” You are so dumb.”

“So, did God call you?”

“Yeah.”

” How do you know?”

“I just know.  He called me after I told Him I was willing to help.”

“Did he call out your name?”

“No. I believe what I heard was intended for me.”

“How sure are you?”

“He walked me through some circumstances. I thought He could use a hand.And I was ready to help.”

“So you didn’t hear His voice?”

“Not like a human voice, no. But you could speak without words,you know; through music, through paintings, nature, gestures, silence, circumstances . . .”

“Heh, like playing a guitar without strings?

” No, like making music without a guitar.”

“I don’t know man, you could be just delusional, you know.”

“I could be. But this is my calling.”

“What if you are ‘calling’ yourself?”

” I can’t ever do that, you know. Everything that comes your way, has a purpose.So if I felt a call, I believe there  is a purpose behind it.”

“So you “feel” your call.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure you did not “hear” it?”

” Very. . .You have more senses than one and if you keep the channels open and put it all together, you’ll feel it . . .”

” That’s rubbish. You lost it there. ‘Feeling’ it makes it emotional, and therefore one-sided. There are other aspects to life’s call!”

“That’s why you calm down and put all the pieces together. Think it over. And over.”

“You are so dumb.”

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Here we go again, here we go again; Give it away now

Believe me, it is a difficult task to listen to God’s voice. I haven’t heard it and I am not even sure if one can actually hear, although there are people claiming that they have. Good for them; really.

Finding out God’s will in life is even more difficult.


Finally, I have just let Him do whatever. From where I thought I knew what the Lord had in store, in the form of an idea and a dream, I have come to make this short 5 month journey wherein I realised the God I knew is actually  the God I hadn’t known. There’s too much about God that no one really knows Him that well. Of course, this pearl of wisdom came from Jesus Himself when He said only He knew the father. But theology attempts to look at God in different ways, trying to put together the puzzle, with pieces which we believe He gave us. It’s interesting. You could spend a life time putting it together, and still not find him. Still the journey is worth it.

But a journey where we do just this and nothing else, is in itself not worth merit. That’s where your purpose in life comes in, I think. I just think, that’s all.

So it’s a surrender. Not yet complete. It never will be. But He still accepts.A surrender which says, you ride the boat, I’ll just sit here with you, because I have no clue where you are going.

Whether He wants me to ride it for a while, is something that I don’t know. Will I regret not being persistent? For giving up when I became tired mentally? Actually, it’s His problem. Really. That’s where it’s come to. I’ll just help solve His problem.

Here goes.

Take me with you. And I am damn scared, God.




Doors open and close

    Two options have I before me:

  1. Do some theology now and study further in Psychology/ Counselling later.

  2. Enroll on a Ph.D Psych programme and do a bit of theology later.

  3. Theology figures in both places, because when you set out for the Lord, you ought to have a clearer understanding of the troubles in clearly understanding God.

    Psychology, on the other hand, appears twice, as it is a my special are of interest.

    Which way? I’m waiting for some emails from some Universities about their Ph.D programmes.

    If I have to do theology next year, I’ll have to apply this year and the dead line for applications is August 31.

    My sister, very sweetly wrote in detail, amidst her busy schedule, that I should look for opening and closing doors now. That’s the best way to decide on His will at the moment. If it’s his will, doors will open, if it isn’t the doors will shut. She herself has an amazing story to tell of how she enrolled for her Ph.D at an American university all in just three and a half months. God opened the right doors and without wasting time she just entered them. Of course, she has a super supportive adventurous husband who’s achieving his big dreams one after the other! I’m very proud of both of them.

    I’m taking a walk down life’s corridor. Come and open door and I hop in.

    This is a very exciting phase.

Patience, even as we wait for His plans

Patience. God will reveal His plans in His time. In the meanwhile it is important to keep our ears and eyes open, to ask the Holy spirit to prepare our hearts for what we are meant to hear. Are you one of those people who’re murmuring right now saying, “hey buzz off man, I’ve heard enough of this and it just isn’t working for me”?

I was. But now that I’ve learnt something more about it, let me help you look at in a slightly different manner.

God, I recently learnt, sometimes delays His answers, because He knows that we won’t be ready for His answers. Why? Because we may not have expected the answer He’s about to give, or that His plans go way beyond ours that we simply would refuse to accept it. Or may be we need to learn something more to do justice to the plans He has for us. It happened to Habakkuk. He kept asking why God was not listening to Him and not saving His people. He cried and waited a long time. In the end when God replied, he couldn’t believe His ears because God had something else in mind – destruction and eventual restoration. The kind of destruction God said broke Habakkuk’s heart that he couldn’t hold it anymore.

God, anyway had the restoration of His people planned, post the destruction ( which was a result of generations of disobedience and sinfulness, despite innumerable prophetic warnings). That gave Habakkuk a little peace of mind. A little, because he was human. Who could be peaceful in the face of destruction? He clings on to God their, remembering his faithfulness (Habakkuk 3:17-19*).

Selwyn Hughes suggests that we look at our problems in the context of certain fixed points. Fixed points in an ever changing world? Yes. These fixed points are God’s characteristics. Why? Because God is eternal and unchanging. The one who exists before and beyond time.

So what are some of those fixed points?

God is Holy, eternal, loving and faithful – always. He hates sin and sin will be punished, with the sinful. He knows that past and He holds the future. He knows exactly what is going on and is in control. If He promised, He will never go back on His word. In fact, He is the only one who will never retreat from a promise. And He loves you and will always love you, no matter what you have done. He can’t stop on that one thing.

When you look at your problem from the above fixed points, your problem becomes smaller, simply because you have a greater God for whom these problems are not irresolvable. Then we can wait patiently, no matter how much our circumstances pressurize us. And as we wait , He makes us strong and disciplines us in such a away that we learn how to handle His will and the building of His Kingdom, with the resources He has given us. That’s when we will find a friend in Habakkuk and be able to sing what he sang in Habakkuk 3:17-19*!

Let me close with a Christ Tomlin song which talks about God’s everlasting, consistent and reliable qualities:

‘Praise you God of earth and sky,

How wonderful is Your unfailing love!

You never change, God,

You remain the Holy One

And my unfailing love.’

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* Habakkuk 3:17-19:

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

19 GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.