It is so difficult to be the loser.
I like winning, although it hasn’t be the way of things with me.
Jesus’ affinity for the last, the least and the lost is about the only thing that is currently keeping me going. You find it in “Kingdom, Grace, Judgment: Paradox, Outrage and Vindication in the Parables of Jesus” by Robert Farrar Capon. He says, death and losing is about the only way in which God can bring His salvation into our lives.
Which then is a good thing. Am I a successful youth chaplain? Whatever that means! Currently, by the parameters of the world, I am not successful. Leave those parameters. This is what I would like:
I would like myself to be a wonderful instrument in His hand. I’d like to imagine Him as Eric Clapton and me, his guitar. That way, a meaningful ministry. Something that would touch so many lives that they see what God sees in them.
I am sure God reads my blog.
Beauty, you kill me
Everywhere I turn, you invade me
There’s a rush and a turn , a glance
And a churn, I wonder how and why
You beat me.
And you just do.
I’m caught in the glance,
Appreciation lies in the detail
Where glance, a second, or a third is not enough
And the main requirement is to go beyond the fourth.
How could beauty be so beautiful? Why does it hurt?
You can’t stand and watch till it morphs into a stare
And you get people’s glare and labels square
There’s innuendo the next time your friends talk
Or they’re hiding while they appreciate you for other things.
Since I can only appreciate, and there’s so much to see
You’re always left behind and you come in another disguise
Why ? Everywhere? It’s awesome, except for the stare
Because when you stare all over my puzzled face
All I could say is, ‘Oh God, how beautiful can one get!’
But don’t think I don’t know how elusive you are
Looks do matter but that’s not all there is.
There’s much beyond you, that I know
But your influence, I must admit
Is beyond what you are aware of.
You make one eloquent;
Do stupid things, when you ought to look and be,
You have made time fly and waits long
Me weak and yourself strong
Did God tell you what I ought to do?
Because I don’t seem to recall.
I can’t ask you to stop hurting me,
As the world around can be dull without you.
Still . . .
You kill me and you ought to know.
B r o ke n .
How I wish to stand up and praise you.
But guilt pulls down every inch of my soul
With those thick, sharp hooks
And the Devil stands in front giving me his dark looks
Could I shout, could I Cry?
Would my wet eyes fall on the altar and make you turn
Your Gracious eyes?
Toward a sinner, as degraded as I
A sweet sacrifice I wished to offer
Same old story
I’m just playing it over
But this time
I want to be liberated
Live life for you
If that’s what’s consecrated.
Yet the desolation just gives me a way.
Would two hands lifted up
You feel far away
Farther than I could come back home
What’s point in me shedding tears all the way
as I go farther away from you?
Would a swollen heart, red and heavy
Ever be made to feel like it should
Could I ever be fortunate to be the one
to be called back to your arms?
God’s doing it again.
He doesn’t need my boat to come and calm the storm.
He opens doors, brings opportunities, takes me places I can’t imagine going myself. all of this inspite of acting disinterested in what He seems to be showing me in very very subtle ways.
The subtle God. Mind you. He doesn’t figure on any of our radars. He works in completely different ways. We just can’t imagine.He has a different route. Something we don’t realise existed until we went through it. I am beginning to like it, because it is adventurous. Actually, it’s because He is being faithful and is continuing to shower encouragement in one way or the other. Praise God.
Action, not the feeling?
Believe me, it is a difficult task to listen to God’s voice. I haven’t heard it and I am not even sure if one can actually hear, although there are people claiming that they have. Good for them; really.
Finding out God’s will in life is even more difficult.
Finally, I have just let Him do whatever. From where I thought I knew what the Lord had in store, in the form of an idea and a dream, I have come to make this short 5 month journey wherein I realised the God I knew is actually the God I hadn’t known. There’s too much about God that no one really knows Him that well. Of course, this pearl of wisdom came from Jesus Himself when He said only He knew the father. But theology attempts to look at God in different ways, trying to put together the puzzle, with pieces which we believe He gave us. It’s interesting. You could spend a life time putting it together, and still not find him. Still the journey is worth it.
But a journey where we do just this and nothing else, is in itself not worth merit. That’s where your purpose in life comes in, I think. I just think, that’s all.
So it’s a surrender. Not yet complete. It never will be. But He still accepts.A surrender which says, you ride the boat, I’ll just sit here with you, because I have no clue where you are going.
Whether He wants me to ride it for a while, is something that I don’t know. Will I regret not being persistent? For giving up when I became tired mentally? Actually, it’s His problem. Really. That’s where it’s come to. I’ll just help solve His problem.
Take me with you. And I am damn scared, God.