Clapton’s guitar

It is so difficult to be the loser.

I like winning, although it hasn’t be the way of things with me.

Jesus’ affinity for the last, the least and the lost is about the only thing that is currently keeping me going. You find it in “Kingdom, Grace, Judgment: Paradox, Outrage and Vindication in the Parables of Jesus” by Robert Farrar Capon. He says, death and losing is about the only way in which God can bring His salvation into our lives.

Which then is a good thing. Am I a successful youth chaplain?  Whatever that means! Currently, by the parameters of the world, I am not successful. Leave those parameters. This is what I would like:

I would like myself to be a wonderful instrument in His hand. I’d like to imagine Him as Eric Clapton and me, his guitar.  That way, a meaningful ministry. Something that would touch so many lives that they see what God sees in them.

I am sure God reads my blog.

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” You are so dumb.”

“So, did God call you?”

“Yeah.”

” How do you know?”

“I just know.  He called me after I told Him I was willing to help.”

“Did he call out your name?”

“No. I believe what I heard was intended for me.”

“How sure are you?”

“He walked me through some circumstances. I thought He could use a hand.And I was ready to help.”

“So you didn’t hear His voice?”

“Not like a human voice, no. But you could speak without words,you know; through music, through paintings, nature, gestures, silence, circumstances . . .”

“Heh, like playing a guitar without strings?

” No, like making music without a guitar.”

“I don’t know man, you could be just delusional, you know.”

“I could be. But this is my calling.”

“What if you are ‘calling’ yourself?”

” I can’t ever do that, you know. Everything that comes your way, has a purpose.So if I felt a call, I believe there  is a purpose behind it.”

“So you “feel” your call.”

“Yeah.”

“Are you sure you did not “hear” it?”

” Very. . .You have more senses than one and if you keep the channels open and put it all together, you’ll feel it . . .”

” That’s rubbish. You lost it there. ‘Feeling’ it makes it emotional, and therefore one-sided. There are other aspects to life’s call!”

“That’s why you calm down and put all the pieces together. Think it over. And over.”

“You are so dumb.”

Beauty, you kill me

Beauty, you kill me

Everywhere I turn, you invade me

There’s a rush and a turn , a glance

And a churn, I wonder how and why

You beat me.

And you just do.



I’m caught in the glance,

Appreciation lies in the detail

Where glance, a second, or a third is not enough

And  the main requirement is to go beyond the fourth.

How could beauty be so beautiful? Why does it hurt?

You can’t stand and watch till it morphs into a stare

And you get people’s glare and labels square

There’s innuendo the next time your friends talk

Or they’re hiding while they appreciate you for other things.

Since I can only appreciate, and there’s so much to see

You’re always left behind and you come in another disguise

Why ? Everywhere? It’s awesome, except for the stare

Because when you stare all over my puzzled face

All I could say is, ‘Oh God, how beautiful can one get!’



But don’t think I don’t know how elusive you are

Looks do matter but that’s not all there is.

There’s much beyond you, that I know

But your influence, I must admit

Is beyond  what you are aware of.

You make one eloquent;

Do stupid things, when you ought to look and be,

Intelligent.

You have made time fly and waits long

Me weak and yourself strong

Did God tell you what I ought to do?

Because I don’t seem to recall.

I can’t ask you to stop hurting me,

As the world around can be dull without you.

Still . . .

You kill me and you ought to know.

Broken v.1.0

B r  o ke    n .

Dedicated.


How I wish to stand up and praise you.

But guilt pulls down every inch of my soul

With those thick, sharp hooks

And the Devil stands in front  giving me his dark looks

Could I shout, could I Cry?

Would my wet eyes fall on the altar and make you turn

Your Gracious eyes?

Toward a  sinner, as degraded as I

A sweet sacrifice I wished to offer

Same old story

I’m just playing it over

But this time

I want to be liberated

Live life for you

If that’s what’s consecrated.

Yet the desolation just gives me a way.

Would two hands lifted up

Mean anything

to you?

Holy Father

You feel far away

Farther than I could come back home

What’s point in me shedding tears all the way

as I go farther away from you?

Would a swollen heart, red and heavy

Ever be made to feel like it should

Could I ever be fortunate to be the one

to be called back to your arms?

Doors opening.

God’s doing it again.

He doesn’t need my boat to come and calm the storm.

He opens doors,  brings opportunities, takes me places I can’t imagine going myself. all of this inspite of acting disinterested in what He seems to be showing me in very very subtle ways.

The subtle God. Mind you. He doesn’t figure on any of our radars. He works in completely different ways. We just can’t imagine.He has a different route. Something we don’t realise existed until we went through it. I am beginning to like it, because it is adventurous. Actually, it’s because He is being faithful and is continuing to shower encouragement in one way or the other. Praise God.

Action, not the feeling?

Here we go again, here we go again; Give it away now

Believe me, it is a difficult task to listen to God’s voice. I haven’t heard it and I am not even sure if one can actually hear, although there are people claiming that they have. Good for them; really.

Finding out God’s will in life is even more difficult.


Finally, I have just let Him do whatever. From where I thought I knew what the Lord had in store, in the form of an idea and a dream, I have come to make this short 5 month journey wherein I realised the God I knew is actually  the God I hadn’t known. There’s too much about God that no one really knows Him that well. Of course, this pearl of wisdom came from Jesus Himself when He said only He knew the father. But theology attempts to look at God in different ways, trying to put together the puzzle, with pieces which we believe He gave us. It’s interesting. You could spend a life time putting it together, and still not find him. Still the journey is worth it.

But a journey where we do just this and nothing else, is in itself not worth merit. That’s where your purpose in life comes in, I think. I just think, that’s all.

So it’s a surrender. Not yet complete. It never will be. But He still accepts.A surrender which says, you ride the boat, I’ll just sit here with you, because I have no clue where you are going.

Whether He wants me to ride it for a while, is something that I don’t know. Will I regret not being persistent? For giving up when I became tired mentally? Actually, it’s His problem. Really. That’s where it’s come to. I’ll just help solve His problem.

Here goes.

Take me with you. And I am damn scared, God.