What’s it like to have been in seminary for 6 months (and running)? How Do you rate your faith? I wish there was some way to assess all that. And this isn’t about me alone, it’s mainly God’s domain, yeah? So you don’t assess. Ha ha.
My difficulties have mostly been with time and people. It’s been sort of a challenge adjusting to some students’ attitudes and ‘power’ displays. It definitely tests your patience and composure. I liked that challenge and I’m still in the process of learning self-regulation and composure. We all face difficult people in life and need to know how to interact with them in a Christian way. I found it difficult and didn’t wanna be the ‘loser’. At the same time, I know it’s my ego keeping me from being Christ-like. Still working on that.
Managing studies and all the activities and extra- curriculars and responsibilities within this tight schedule is not funny. Working around it sucks the energy out of you. You end up with hardly any time for reflection.
The sunny side of things is that from the very first week, I’ve realised that this Is where I should be at this point of time in my life and that of the others. Something’s dug a deep hole in my faith and that’s the sign of me growing up, I’m told. The beliefs and faith I’ve had has been quite shallow and nursery school level while I learn in different ways about what faith Is all about and how myopic i could get about christianity. I’m blessed to have wonderful teachers Who’re really cool, because they provoke us, challenge us, encourage discussion and dialogue and constantly push to go and find out more. They Do all this with a smile. These guys a different group of priests who are chilled out scholars and mentors.
It’s my first time living in boys hostel kind of set up and man, Is it fun or what!
Some people make you feel very uneasy. One of the reasons is that sometimes that relationship is not defined. When people fall in the regular categories of friend, brother, sister, best friend, neighbour, uncle, aunt, your friend’s parent, teacher, senior, pastor, and the like. But when some people blur those boundaries I am at a fix as to how to talk to them. How much intimacy can you show? How restrained should you be? What is decent?
Can they be your friend: but what if they are way older than your usual friends? Or younger? What about the ‘respect’ aspect with age? How close do you allow yourself to be with your friend without fearing crossing the line?
Sometimes, the lines are assumed. Sometimes, that friendship, if you can call that, is seamless. Some are fraught with tension within although on the outside everything looks fine.
Sometimes, to my surprise, they know, you know that this isn’t the ordinary types. And you just live, or let that person pass through your life, and the memories remain.
See! Do you understand what I mean by suspended feelings? It’s mainly because you can’t categorise them. The human mind works easier with categories, although that’s one way of narrowing the way it thinks and functions.
I know of beautiful persons who don’t let these things worry them. They are at home with suspended feelings. They just hang in the air and accept them as part of life. There is a sort of liberation in that, you know! I’ve been learning to be OK with that. And it’s showing a new door to life. A different way of experiencing it. The fear of ” where will this end up?” comes as it could end in discomfort or pain or even in just a beautiful way of living life. In fact, it doesn’t have to end. You can just live that way. Have you ever had these suspended feelings?
He doesn’t need my boat to come and calm the storm.
He opens doors, brings opportunities, takes me places I can’t imagine going myself. all of this inspite of acting disinterested in what He seems to be showing me in very very subtle ways.
The subtle God. Mind you. He doesn’t figure on any of our radars. He works in completely different ways. We just can’t imagine.He has a different route. Something we don’t realise existed until we went through it. I am beginning to like it, because it is adventurous. Actually, it’s because He is being faithful and is continuing to shower encouragement in one way or the other. Praise God.
Do some theology now and study further in Psychology/ Counselling later.
Enroll on a Ph.D Psych programme and do a bit of theology later.
Theology figures in both places, because when you set out for the Lord, you ought to have a clearer understanding of the troubles in clearly understanding God.
Psychology, on the other hand, appears twice, as it is a my special are of interest.
Which way? I’m waiting for some emails from some Universities about their Ph.D programmes.
If I have to do theology next year, I’ll have to apply this year and the dead line for applications is August 31.
My sister, very sweetly wrote in detail, amidst her busy schedule, that I should look for opening and closing doors now. That’s the best way to decide on His will at the moment. If it’s his will, doors will open, if it isn’t the doors will shut. She herself has an amazing story to tell of how she enrolled for her Ph.D at an American university all in just three and a half months. God opened the right doors and without wasting time she just entered them. Of course, she has a super supportive adventurous husband who’s achieving his big dreams one after the other! I’m very proud of both of them.
I’m taking a walk down life’s corridor. Come and open door and I hop in.
If you have been following what have been writing in the past few days, you can see my thoughts oscillating like a pendulum.
Trust in God
I am in that place where you know what to tell people who are in trouble, because you truly believe that is the truth and the way the bible teaches. At the same time, I’m struggling to put them into practice.
There’s no more validity to what I say. Even as I tell me friend, hold on, God has a plan, I struggle wondering where God is and why He isn’t clear. But my strong belief is He will be so clear some time that I will be able to see and hear what He wants. Till then I must hold on to his promises. And , shut up.
But will He make himself clear? Or would I have to decode what His message is from all that I read and hear? Is He expecting me to solve a riddle? Or will He whisper that I won’t hear and miss it? This is where I would be making a fool of myself if I miss it. Well, that anxiety, as you can see, is till there.
It scares me. I’ll hold on still, because when, not if, God makes things clear, it will be a story which many will be able to identify with.