Broken v.1.0

B r  o ke    n .


How I wish to stand up and praise you.

But guilt pulls down every inch of my soul

With those thick, sharp hooks

And the Devil stands in front  giving me his dark looks

Could I shout, could I Cry?

Would my wet eyes fall on the altar and make you turn

Your Gracious eyes?

Toward a  sinner, as degraded as I

A sweet sacrifice I wished to offer

Same old story

I’m just playing it over

But this time

I want to be liberated

Live life for you

If that’s what’s consecrated.

Yet the desolation just gives me a way.

Would two hands lifted up

Mean anything

to you?

Holy Father

You feel far away

Farther than I could come back home

What’s point in me shedding tears all the way

as I go farther away from you?

Would a swollen heart, red and heavy

Ever be made to feel like it should

Could I ever be fortunate to be the one

to be called back to your arms?


Doors opening.

God’s doing it again.

He doesn’t need my boat to come and calm the storm.

He opens doors,  brings opportunities, takes me places I can’t imagine going myself. all of this inspite of acting disinterested in what He seems to be showing me in very very subtle ways.

The subtle God. Mind you. He doesn’t figure on any of our radars. He works in completely different ways. We just can’t imagine.He has a different route. Something we don’t realise existed until we went through it. I am beginning to like it, because it is adventurous. Actually, it’s because He is being faithful and is continuing to shower encouragement in one way or the other. Praise God.

Action, not the feeling?

Casting Crowns for me

I’m listening to Casting Crowns, one of my favourite bands, and it makes me want to cry.

They are unbelievably and unconventionally honest about life, in their lyrics, and that’s what people struggling like me need today. There must be so many people out there encouraged to face their struggles after listening to the.

Songs like Who am I, Every man, Altar and the Door, If we are the body, If people pray, Stain Glass Masquerade, etc. just talk to me. Their songs are such a blunt affair that they don’t sugar it up with ‘it’s OKs and it’s alright’s’.

Being a lover of music, this band for me is a breath of fresh air from music, Christian and otherwise, because they actually make an issue out of issues which are an issue! I’m tired of the same old lyrics, same patterns, same words. And Casting Crowns makes you think and look at yourself in a mirror. Does the world see Jesus through what’s seen in the mirror? The truth, in my case is no, and their songs make me face up to that fact.

Their vocal combination of Mike Hall with Melodee Devevo backing him up is just fantastic. It’s one of those combinations which some amazingly great singers have used effectively; a rusty powerful male voice backed by an equally powerful and spirit filled female voice. I’m a great fan of it, especially having heard my favourites blessing us that way: Lenny LeBlanc (With Rachel Wilson in ‘Lord you have my heart’ and all his albums, aspecially, Above All) and Matt Redman (the song FACE DOWN and other songs) and so on.

Doors open and close

    Two options have I before me:

  1. Do some theology now and study further in Psychology/ Counselling later.

  2. Enroll on a Ph.D Psych programme and do a bit of theology later.

  3. Theology figures in both places, because when you set out for the Lord, you ought to have a clearer understanding of the troubles in clearly understanding God.

    Psychology, on the other hand, appears twice, as it is a my special are of interest.

    Which way? I’m waiting for some emails from some Universities about their Ph.D programmes.

    If I have to do theology next year, I’ll have to apply this year and the dead line for applications is August 31.

    My sister, very sweetly wrote in detail, amidst her busy schedule, that I should look for opening and closing doors now. That’s the best way to decide on His will at the moment. If it’s his will, doors will open, if it isn’t the doors will shut. She herself has an amazing story to tell of how she enrolled for her Ph.D at an American university all in just three and a half months. God opened the right doors and without wasting time she just entered them. Of course, she has a super supportive adventurous husband who’s achieving his big dreams one after the other! I’m very proud of both of them.

    I’m taking a walk down life’s corridor. Come and open door and I hop in.

    This is a very exciting phase.

Patience, even as we wait for His plans

Patience. God will reveal His plans in His time. In the meanwhile it is important to keep our ears and eyes open, to ask the Holy spirit to prepare our hearts for what we are meant to hear. Are you one of those people who’re murmuring right now saying, “hey buzz off man, I’ve heard enough of this and it just isn’t working for me”?

I was. But now that I’ve learnt something more about it, let me help you look at in a slightly different manner.

God, I recently learnt, sometimes delays His answers, because He knows that we won’t be ready for His answers. Why? Because we may not have expected the answer He’s about to give, or that His plans go way beyond ours that we simply would refuse to accept it. Or may be we need to learn something more to do justice to the plans He has for us. It happened to Habakkuk. He kept asking why God was not listening to Him and not saving His people. He cried and waited a long time. In the end when God replied, he couldn’t believe His ears because God had something else in mind – destruction and eventual restoration. The kind of destruction God said broke Habakkuk’s heart that he couldn’t hold it anymore.

God, anyway had the restoration of His people planned, post the destruction ( which was a result of generations of disobedience and sinfulness, despite innumerable prophetic warnings). That gave Habakkuk a little peace of mind. A little, because he was human. Who could be peaceful in the face of destruction? He clings on to God their, remembering his faithfulness (Habakkuk 3:17-19*).

Selwyn Hughes suggests that we look at our problems in the context of certain fixed points. Fixed points in an ever changing world? Yes. These fixed points are God’s characteristics. Why? Because God is eternal and unchanging. The one who exists before and beyond time.

So what are some of those fixed points?

God is Holy, eternal, loving and faithful – always. He hates sin and sin will be punished, with the sinful. He knows that past and He holds the future. He knows exactly what is going on and is in control. If He promised, He will never go back on His word. In fact, He is the only one who will never retreat from a promise. And He loves you and will always love you, no matter what you have done. He can’t stop on that one thing.

When you look at your problem from the above fixed points, your problem becomes smaller, simply because you have a greater God for whom these problems are not irresolvable. Then we can wait patiently, no matter how much our circumstances pressurize us. And as we wait , He makes us strong and disciplines us in such a away that we learn how to handle His will and the building of His Kingdom, with the resources He has given us. That’s when we will find a friend in Habakkuk and be able to sing what he sang in Habakkuk 3:17-19*!

Let me close with a Christ Tomlin song which talks about God’s everlasting, consistent and reliable qualities:

‘Praise you God of earth and sky,

How wonderful is Your unfailing love!

You never change, God,

You remain the Holy One

And my unfailing love.’


* Habakkuk 3:17-19:

17 Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls,

18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

19 GOD, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer’s; he makes me tread on my high places.

Matters of the heart.

Since I have been reading a bit more of living as a Christian and spending some good time in quiet time, many questions have sprung up. It’s a good sign. My kind of Chritianity isn’t about taking what your parents, Church, Sunday School and VBS gave you, alone. O strongly believe that the walk with the Lord ( which is about living the way He wants you to for God’s purposes to be fulfilled) is too great to understand, yet so subtle it looks simplistic.

Digging deeper into Christian life reveals many more aspects of it you never knew existed.

Now why would anyone want to do that? Everyone is busy, has their own things to worry about, just where is the time for all of this searching and unravelling the subtle?

Yet this overwhelming sense of uncertainty over what I just said grips me. At the end of the day, when you go to lie down in bed, I believe, the heart of the matter is, still, the matter of the heart (borrowing the usage from Rick Warren).

Allow me to explain: We live and we want peace. Peace comes from a sense of security. Don’t we look for security in everything we do? That our submissions reach the teacher, that our money is safe in a bank, that the place we stay is in a good and safe area, that our mobiles are safe, that the things we tell our friends remain with them? And the feeling of security lies in the heart. As a child, when we’re scared, knowing that a your dad or mom or someone you trust is around helps you close your eyes and go to sleep peacefully. You trust them. Trust lies in the heart.

Whom do we trust? This is something that lies buried deep, nonetheless affects us in our day to day affairs. Many of us ( or most?) trust very few people. We can’t trust our jobs, can’t trust the economy, can’t trust your relatives perhaps… It worries and the worry pervades our lives.

It is here I would like to return to where we started – God. As I get to know God better, I see a stark contrast in our relationship compared to other ones. For starters, God never changes. If He promised, He will bring it to completion. If He said it will happen. If He keeps quiet, it means wait. If He doesn’t want something that we earnestly ask for to happen in our lives as He has something better planned, no matter what, He doesn’t let it happen. He wants the best for you. Mind you, what we think is best for us does not necessarily have to be the best.

I’m learning all this the hard way. These are painful lessons, because I’m quite used to and comfortable with things happening the way I plan. But, He seems to have something better planned.