2012, for me ended on The theme ‘vulnerability’. Following an elbow dislocation and later a surgery, I realised that I was not as strong as I thought to be. A great deal of help and understanding from friends gradually took me to recovery. The self-sufficient and capable George was now dependent and thankful to many people. I had to learn to take help. The Physiotherapy following The removal of plaster was very painful. I moaned, cried, huffed, puffed, struggled and felt irritated at times. I was weak. Not at All The picture I had of myself. The weak and moaning side of myself was never allowed expression But in the hostel single-room it reigned regal. I took it slow. Allowed time to heal and believed God wanted to teach me some things. And teach he did.
God enabled me to do much, with my right hand even though it was later observed that my little finger remained bent and powerless drawing a path all the way to the elbow which remained numb. Doctors found a slipping ulnar nerve on the left side of the elbow which is slowly recovering while there’s muscle deterioration on The hand. It looks scary as I see the right hand thinning down compared to The left.
I’ve been worried about that. Plus all The tasks and pending work before me. The ten semester exams I missed will greet me, come Jan 17. . .
The two worst thoughts a person can have affected me: I am unable to do What I have to do so I don’t trust myself to do it. A loss of trust in oneself. The second is, God will do only What he wants to when he wants to so there’s no point in praying, especially for a miraculous healing without The suggested surgery to fix my ulnar nerve under elbow.
These thoughts took The wind out of me. I began to get scared. Panicked. I felt hard to breathe. I began to feel hopeless. Dear ones called and encouraged me. But . . .
Even the next morning I woke up in panic, out of breath. . . And I was supposed to be a seminary student in preparation for pastoral ministry . . .
God warned me in class today. My mother had read out from James yesterday [over the phone] following up from what she had read during the family prayer back home and warned me for having lack of faith. She told me that I was the one who was supposed to stand up in situations like this and become an enabler. I asked her whether she was encouraging me!
But during a paper presentation in class today based on Isaiah, God warned me through one of my classmates who read aloud Isaiah 7:
Take heed, be quiet, do not fear, and do not let your heart be faint because of these two smoldering stumps of firebrands (Isa 7:4 NRSV)
If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all. (Isa 7:9 NIV)
I read it in different versions.
It shook me. I read the portion again and sat like a little boy who just received a second chance.
It’s funny. My mind’s calm now. I feel like I was just spanked on bum for not listening. And I feel alright.
I finished an assignment yesterday, and will finish one more once I finish this blog post.
The change is amazing. Just two verses. Direct speech. The context of the verses (Isaiah Chapter 7, Syro-Ephramite war -Read it!) makes things clearer.
Look to the Lord.
All of this can happen even to a person who has dedicated his life to tell others about God and his steadfast love, care and guidance which gives us hope.
And I needed a spanking.
God, I need more.
“So, did God call you?”
” How do you know?”
“I just know. He called me after I told Him I was willing to help.”
“Did he call out your name?”
“No. I believe what I heard was intended for me.”
“How sure are you?”
“He walked me through some circumstances. I thought He could use a hand.And I was ready to help.”
“So you didn’t hear His voice?”
“Not like a human voice, no. But you could speak without words,you know; through music, through paintings, nature, gestures, silence, circumstances . . .”
“Heh, like playing a guitar without strings?
” No, like making music without a guitar.”
“I don’t know man, you could be just delusional, you know.”
“I could be. But this is my calling.”
“What if you are ‘calling’ yourself?”
” I can’t ever do that, you know. Everything that comes your way, has a purpose.So if I felt a call, I believe there is a purpose behind it.”
“So you “feel” your call.”
“Are you sure you did not “hear” it?”
” Very. . .You have more senses than one and if you keep the channels open and put it all together, you’ll feel it . . .”
” That’s rubbish. You lost it there. ‘Feeling’ it makes it emotional, and therefore one-sided. There are other aspects to life’s call!”
“That’s why you calm down and put all the pieces together. Think it over. And over.”
“You are so dumb.”
B r o ke n .
How I wish to stand up and praise you.
But guilt pulls down every inch of my soul
With those thick, sharp hooks
And the Devil stands in front giving me his dark looks
Could I shout, could I Cry?
Would my wet eyes fall on the altar and make you turn
Your Gracious eyes?
Toward a sinner, as degraded as I
A sweet sacrifice I wished to offer
Same old story
I’m just playing it over
But this time
I want to be liberated
Live life for you
If that’s what’s consecrated.
Yet the desolation just gives me a way.
Would two hands lifted up
You feel far away
Farther than I could come back home
What’s point in me shedding tears all the way
as I go farther away from you?
Would a swollen heart, red and heavy
Ever be made to feel like it should
Could I ever be fortunate to be the one
to be called back to your arms?