Beauty, you kill me
Everywhere I turn, you invade me
There’s a rush and a turn , a glance
And a churn, I wonder how and why
You beat me.
And you just do.
I’m caught in the glance,
Appreciation lies in the detail
Where glance, a second, or a third is not enough
And the main requirement is to go beyond the fourth.
How could beauty be so beautiful? Why does it hurt?
You can’t stand and watch till it morphs into a stare
And you get people’s glare and labels square
There’s innuendo the next time your friends talk
Or they’re hiding while they appreciate you for other things.
Since I can only appreciate, and there’s so much to see
You’re always left behind and you come in another disguise
Why ? Everywhere? It’s awesome, except for the stare
Because when you stare all over my puzzled face
All I could say is, ‘Oh God, how beautiful can one get!’
But don’t think I don’t know how elusive you are
Looks do matter but that’s not all there is.
There’s much beyond you, that I know
But your influence, I must admit
Is beyond what you are aware of.
You make one eloquent;
Do stupid things, when you ought to look and be,
You have made time fly and waits long
Me weak and yourself strong
Did God tell you what I ought to do?
Because I don’t seem to recall.
I can’t ask you to stop hurting me,
As the world around can be dull without you.
Still . . .
You kill me and you ought to know.
B r o ke n .
How I wish to stand up and praise you.
But guilt pulls down every inch of my soul
With those thick, sharp hooks
And the Devil stands in front giving me his dark looks
Could I shout, could I Cry?
Would my wet eyes fall on the altar and make you turn
Your Gracious eyes?
Toward a sinner, as degraded as I
A sweet sacrifice I wished to offer
Same old story
I’m just playing it over
But this time
I want to be liberated
Live life for you
If that’s what’s consecrated.
Yet the desolation just gives me a way.
Would two hands lifted up
You feel far away
Farther than I could come back home
What’s point in me shedding tears all the way
as I go farther away from you?
Would a swollen heart, red and heavy
Ever be made to feel like it should
Could I ever be fortunate to be the one
to be called back to your arms?
Believe me, it is a difficult task to listen to God’s voice. I haven’t heard it and I am not even sure if one can actually hear, although there are people claiming that they have. Good for them; really.
Finding out God’s will in life is even more difficult.
Finally, I have just let Him do whatever. From where I thought I knew what the Lord had in store, in the form of an idea and a dream, I have come to make this short 5 month journey wherein I realised the God I knew is actually the God I hadn’t known. There’s too much about God that no one really knows Him that well. Of course, this pearl of wisdom came from Jesus Himself when He said only He knew the father. But theology attempts to look at God in different ways, trying to put together the puzzle, with pieces which we believe He gave us. It’s interesting. You could spend a life time putting it together, and still not find him. Still the journey is worth it.
But a journey where we do just this and nothing else, is in itself not worth merit. That’s where your purpose in life comes in, I think. I just think, that’s all.
So it’s a surrender. Not yet complete. It never will be. But He still accepts.A surrender which says, you ride the boat, I’ll just sit here with you, because I have no clue where you are going.
Whether He wants me to ride it for a while, is something that I don’t know. Will I regret not being persistent? For giving up when I became tired mentally? Actually, it’s His problem. Really. That’s where it’s come to. I’ll just help solve His problem.
Take me with you. And I am damn scared, God.
In reply to my mail asking a review on an article:
My take on that is that church has becomes a community of performance rather than the community of grace that it IS. It’s Jesus body after all isn’t it. And let’s be honest, we aren’t honest. we all give facades of who we are. and the basic gospel of weakness and foolishness that Paul preached gets lost in all the war cries of faith. It’s the hardest part of the Christian faith that Jesus’ glorification is on the cross in his weakest abandoned state. I don’t fully get it. And honestly I don’t fully like it.
But something of that is part and parcel of christian life. I’ll stop before I continue rambling.
Thanks for the reply.
So many of these things lying around that it’s so difficult to believe it’s even the same Jesus we’re talking about. Everyone has their own stuff to talk about and we all can’t agree on even basic points. Mission work looks like Sambar in the middle of this. We have this and that but it’s the same curry.
Jesus is huge Mathews. God is enlargening your vision. Everytime that happens everything blurs. Then you’ll see better and bigger and more beautiful. Remember the healing that Jesus did and the ex blind man first said that all people were trees?
and good sambar has got a few good ingredients. and everyone knows it’s sambar. It’s not kaachimoru. and the good ingredients are our basic points.
SunilSunil Chandy blogs at www.chandybass.blogspot.com
Do some theology now and study further in Psychology/ Counselling later.
Enroll on a Ph.D Psych programme and do a bit of theology later.
Two options have I before me:
Theology figures in both places, because when you set out for the Lord, you ought to have a clearer understanding of the troubles in clearly understanding God.
Psychology, on the other hand, appears twice, as it is a my special are of interest.
Which way? I’m waiting for some emails from some Universities about their Ph.D programmes.
If I have to do theology next year, I’ll have to apply this year and the dead line for applications is August 31.
My sister, very sweetly wrote in detail, amidst her busy schedule, that I should look for opening and closing doors now. That’s the best way to decide on His will at the moment. If it’s his will, doors will open, if it isn’t the doors will shut. She herself has an amazing story to tell of how she enrolled for her Ph.D at an American university all in just three and a half months. God opened the right doors and without wasting time she just entered them. Of course, she has a super supportive adventurous husband who’s achieving his big dreams one after the other! I’m very proud of both of them.
I’m taking a walk down life’s corridor. Come and open door and I hop in.
This is a very exciting phase.
I am terribly confused.
What exactly does God want me to do?
Am I doing all the right things I’m supposed to in finding out His will?
Am I sitting back and waiting for God?
Why can’t I hear Him speaking?
Why isn’t a clear direction pointed out? Every time I think I have a somewhat clear direction, another point supporting the opposite direction pops up.
How do I choose?
It’s a matter of life. It is very difficult.
If I am not convinced, I am not going either way, because it’s a matter of life.
Or… life shouldn’t be taken so seriously?
Does God have back up plans or a variety of options like a bunch of WordPress blog themes? You could choose any one that suits you and what matters at the end of the day are blog posts and people who read them?
I am tired of waiting
Am I supposed to be doing something else?
Where is the direction? I’m asking and searching everyday. Doing good things.
Please reveal at least the next step.
Should I just take a decision and go ahead?