(If you know me and more people who know me, let’s just keep whatever written here with ourselves, at least for sometime. Thanks!)
It’s very scary, man. The question has been, for the past two weeks, narrowed down to With the church? Or, Outside the church? Now if I am with, it means working within the system of the church. Closest sources urge indirectly that church ministry has evolved and specialized ministries will emerge by the time I finish studying the course which would enable one to work as a church pastor. These two questions have been posed by my closest sources. If I frame them, it would rather be In the church? Or, With the church? Since I don’t see a ministry other than through the church as a something with the church to further the gospel. So all the dreams I thought God had given me- were they all just a mirage? All that I read and believed through The Purpose Driven life – was everything faulty since it was all written by one of the human beings, a group which is well known for going wrong and making mistakes? Did I trust the Bible less and lean more on readings about the Bible? I would like to add that, I have tried reading the Bible, the primary source, without much external help. But each passage could have a million different interpretations(So Our Daily Bread was always a helpful guide).
I totally understand questions asked by many youngsters like me:How did you know that this was the will of God? How do you discern the will of God? All that I ever knew of discerning God’s will through lectures and readings and camps, stands void (at least for now), as my closest sources have tried to convince me saying that all that I dreamed of is impractical and will take a life time to establish and may be even unnecessary since the church has the resources and infrastructure; Why not work through it?
Now when I choose to take a different stand, I begin feeling lonely. This is the very thing Maxwell warned of while pursuing one’s God given dreams. But how can I trust Maxwell? Can I? For he does not know the cultural nuances of our Malayalee Mar Thomite traditions, where decisions are taken after consulting one’s closest sources, like parents, relatives. One doesn’t necessarily decide for oneself, which in fact could be even considered waywardness, in certain circumstances.
Referring back to loneliness, it is a feeling which comes out of the fact that what I decide and think is the way I should go isn’t strong enough to build my case. A sense of incapability. Being practical. Taking a safer route, because you don’t have time to experiment. It arises out of a realisation that your closest sources are not on your side. They don’t want you deviating from expectations of them and others. Mind you, they have been quite respectful and calm, but persistent about it, whenever I took up the topic. So which way? It’s a fork. Is my belief in God’s provisions impractical? For a really long time I have felt I won’t fit into pastoral ministry the way it is. It would be selfish to expect a change too. I love the way my parents go about doing it: full of joy, full of love, full of concern. I was proud to hear a lot being said about their genuineness and the surety they had that these were two people who were out there on God’s call. What more do you want to hear! Praise God. They really are doing what they are called to. They have been blessed with that passion in their hearts. I can’t imagine being them. Or something like them. My heart burns for the young people who move around aimlessly, hopelessly, though appearing to be leading good and happy lives without a hint of what life is with a great Shepherd like Jesus, the one who knows you inside out. It’s scary and at the same time “faithless” to say that your dreams which you used to believe were God given is right for you unlike the other significant suggestion. Why significant? Because the source and urgers of the idea are significant in my life.
See, both can’t be sin. This is what makes it all the more confusing. I am re-writing my definitions of faith and beliefs regarding how God speaks, over this summer. It’s been a mentally draining summer time, since it is scary to re-think what you always believed in, realize that you took many things you didn’t know about your faith for granted and let other forms of subtleties acquire a place in your life, even though they concern a Secure, Unchanging, Omnipotent God and the life as His child for the benefit of His creation.